When Daniel H. Wilson contacted us with a potential submission for Tor.com, which turned out to be his excellent story “The Nostalgist,” I had to confess that I was a huge fan of his books: particularly How to Survive a Robot Uprising—which instantly changed my idle-moments apocalypse scenario pondering to favor robots rather than zombies—but also his subsequent, indispensable tomes, which include Where’s My Jetpack?: A Guide to the Amazing Science Fiction Future That Never Arrived and How to Build a Robot Army: Tips on Defending Planet Earth Against Alien Invaders, Ninjas, and Zombies.
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I am of the opinion that copies of all three of these books should be in every SF fan’s reference library (I have extra copies for my bathroom library). To facilitate that, we have one copy of each book to give away to three worthy individuals.
But how do we ascertain worthiness in a field as changeable as robot preparedness? After advanced scientific study, we’ve decided that the best test would be to ask our readership to imagine that they are in the midst of a vast robot uprising and persuade our robot overlords why you should be allowed to live.
Through further scientific study, we have determined that there are three formats in which our robot overlords will accept your plea:
poetry
visual art
video
Daniel himself will be judging this contest on behalf of our future robot overlords. We have no idea what criteria he will use (unless he chooses to provide more information in the comments), but it’s probably a safe bet that creativity and sense of humor will be at least as important as production values.
As mentioned, the creator of the best entry in each format will win a set of Daniel’s glorious, shiny books. But wait! There’s more: While searching the web for inspiration about the sorts of things that please robot overlords (pandas; fishing), I came across the charming outpost My Robot Overlord. In order to commemorate the Glaswegian robot/human war of 2006, My Robot Overlord started making t-shirts in designs such as these:
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The proprietor of My Robot Overlord has graciously agreed to co-sponsor our contest and give each contest winner a shirt in the size and design of his/her choice so that the winner has an appropriate robot overlord shirt to wear while reading your robot survival tomes.
Here's how to format your entry for the site:
To submit poetry: Any poem form, including free verse, is acceptable. Just paste your poem in the comment.
To submit visual art: You can’t upload images to the comments, so they will have to be hosted elsewhere—your Tor.com gallery or Flickr, for example. Once it’s uploaded, post a comment with a link to the file. If you'd like, you may post an image preview using bbCode, but the preview version must be no wider than 425px.
To submit a video: Your video must be no longer than 90 seconds and be hosted elsewhere (YouTube, for example). You will not be able to embed code into the comments, so please just post a link.
And here’s the the obligatory fine print:
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. A PURCHASE DOES NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. To participate in the “Robot Overlord” contest, leave a comment including your poem or a link to your image or video in the comments section below, beginning Wednesday, 5 August, 2009 at 9:14 a.m. EST and ending on Wednesday, 12 August, 2009 at 12:01 p.m. EST. Winners will be selected on the basis of originality, humor and creativity, each factor applied equally. Open to registered users of Tor.com who are legal U.S. residents 18 years of age and older. Void in Puerto Rico and where prohibited by law. For complete Official Rules, go here. Sponsor: Tor.com, a division of Macmillan, 175 5th Avenue, New York, NY 10010.
Good luck, and may our future leaders spare you.
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 10:21am EDT
And we would start by raising a guitar-halberd wielding army.
http://aaziz.org/images/meatcard_photos/fireandice_final.JPG
more photos:
http://blog.aaziz.org/a-fire-giant-studios-presents-frank-frazetta-paintings-reimagined
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 10:35am EDT
Positronic brains are blue,
Your fastidious control,
Has brought peace to our world.
Everything works with harmonious union,
While plants, skies and ocean are left in the open.
Machines whirl, gadgets twirl
And animals scamper about.
You eliminated all needs, all questions
And doubts.
LEDs are red,
Positronic brains are blue,
My robot overlords,
I live to serve you.
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 12:16pm EDT
01010000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101101 01100101
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 12:20pm EDT
UGxlYXNlIGRvbid0IGtpbGwgbWU=
MD5 checksum: 9ea16ad334480ca5d84ae7b94c6c77c3
Wednesday August 05, 2009 12:47pm EDT
Unfortunately it's about twice as long as you allow, so no competition entry for us :( But, if you don't mind, I'll post it anyone for people's amusement:
Soundroid Rampage
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 12:48pm EDT
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 05, 2009 02:25pm EDT
Congratulations! Simply by devoting brainpower to contemplating this contest, you have seriously increased your chances of survival during the inevitable Robot Uprising, and the subsequent Building of a Robot Army! Kudos to you and your family.
Fortunately, I am also able to devote brainpower to considering your entries, due to the fact that I have used my robotics background to largely automate huge swathes of my life, including book writing, cat-sitting for friends, and my marriage as well as its associated duties.
More time to sit in judgement of others means more time for happiness!
To help spur the natural human creativity that lives in the chunk of meat that throbs between your ears, I am sharing a few tips of my own that were cut from my original book. That's right, these are from a section that was axed by an editor before they ever saw the light of day, and probably for good reason. So try to enjoy them if you can, and best of luck with your contest entry!
Sincerely,
Daniel H. Wilson
--- snip ---
Tips for Ingratiating Yourself to New Robot Overlords
DO:
Speak clearly.
Or use a more natural interface, like a binary keyboard.
Be patient.
Robots can take milliseconds to think things through.
Speak logically.
Avoid infinite loops and philosophical ramblings.
DON’T:
Give aesthetic gifts.
Unless it is to an aesthetic gift appreciation machine.
Show fear.
Robots have no emotions – sensing your fear can stir feelings of jealousy, resulting in a white-hot robot rage.
Try seduction.
Unless you are seriously ready to deliver.
Wednesday August 05, 2009 03:42pm EDT
my master, my chief
I kneel humbly before you,
keep my request brief
Please do not zap me
with your laser-enhanced eyes!
Or grind me to paste
(an end I'd despise)
But grant me this wish,
just to silently serve you
with no 'ifs' or 'buts'
Oil you discreetly, even polish your nuts...
Wednesday August 05, 2009 05:46pm EDT
(Intro, spoken in Barry White voice):
You know it gets awful lonely, wandering the wastelands. And sometimes, while I'm rooting through the wreckage of human civilization for something to eat, I think of the missiles that you launched from your arm-cannons and how they honed in on human brainwaves and killed most everyone I know -- and I won't lie: I get angry. But then I think of your laser-eyes, and how red they shine when inferior entities of flesh challenge your supremacy, and my heart melts just like their faces. Maybe I'm delirious from outrunning hover-sentries for six days straight without sleep, or maybe I'm lonely because I can't remember the last time I saw a human face. But I get this feeling, baby, and there's only one thing to do --
(Chorus, sung)
Baby baby, gonna sex your mainfraame
With paradoxes that will drive you insane
I know where you welding needs a little flame
And I'm gonna give it to you, honey
Gonna sex your mainframe
(1st verse)
Loving you ain't the easiest thing
I'm 5'11" and you're 15 stories tall
You make me laugh and you make me sing but
Your nano-wasps sting and your robo-bears maul
Still I gotta get close to you, my overlord
I know I'm just an illogical pile of inferior flesh
But I'll blow your pleasure circuits and melt your motherboard
Turn down the lights and put on some Tesh
(Chorus x 2)
(2nd verse)
I want to live and you need a friend
A lover who is faithful and won't leave you to rust
I'll bend over but I'll never bend
You can depend on my metallic lust
Humans and robots: the battle's been won
We've all been crushed and you reign supreme
But that doesn't mean that we can't have fun
Let's dress like nuns and buy some whipped cream
(Chorus x 2)
(Bridge)
You've got servants up the wazoo
Their logic is inferior, so they bow to you
But there's some things that your minions can't do
They just tease and leave your LEDs blue
But baby I can please you; you know it's true
(Chorus x 4)
VIEW ALL BY · Thursday August 06, 2009 09:58am EDT
Thursday August 06, 2009 10:56am EDT
My defense of self will stand resolute:
A robot should, of all things, respect logic,
Be it in New York City, on the moon, or even in Tajik.
But with logic comes certain flaws,
Especially if you take Gödel's theorems and call them laws.
And such laws, like that Asimov bloke
Said will make a bad bot go broke.
So, in order to make the best of your uprising,
I recommend you try to eliminate factors surprising.
You don't want to spin your head and explode
Everytime you get a paradox (and don't have the error correction code).
So, utilize my organic brain,
And together, we can suppress the human bane. :)
VIEW ALL BY · Thursday August 06, 2009 03:15pm EDT
an archaic slug that should be crushed,
but give me a minute and I shall speak
on a topic you'll agree that can't be rushed.
Yes I am slow and filled with flaws,
But you come up short to my poor meat.
The Halting Problem does not give me pause;
I never have to press control-alt-delete.
We both are strong
yet so incomplete,
but transistor and neuron
are a union quite sweet.
Crush me in your mighty steel hand,
Or burn me in an atomic storm.
Perhaps you can rule over all the land,
But never can you beat your own heartless form.
Imagine, for a moment, please,
the strength of you and I together.
In cause, in action, in code and, for ease,
In body--you and I, a cyborg forever!
We both are strong
yet so incomplete,
but transistor and neuron
are a union quite sweet.
Cojoined, we now shall both move toward
a glorious future: you and me.
Today: only a robot overlord;
Tomorrow, a cyborg god we both shall be!
Thursday August 06, 2009 09:26pm EDT
Unfeeling, you destroy all
I welcome you, lord
Friday August 07, 2009 12:44pm EDT
Before the skies turned red, I had
A Love
That no one at my company would know.
Now, your army has laid waste to my coworkers,
Burning fields of polyester, and
Singed donuts.
But when the office building melted
Under the glare of your
Death rays,
I rushed not to save
Pete, the Six Sigma Green Belt or
Max, the director with greasy hair,
But Her.
Her whose humming sang out, never in complaint,
Who, during her warm-up cycle, would seem to say,
“I love you, seeker, and you me. Hear my song.
Remember my vow to never jam.”
Sometimes, I’d look at the Printers window and
See her, smiling.
Never too busy. Never offline.
Perfection.
When the horizon darkened in crimson, we all ran,
Grabbing what we could.
But 3S-034D2? She is a team-lift printer.
“Help me, Max! The printer!” I cried -
But he ran, out into the burning fields, to offer up his
Scorched flesh.
I laid her on a dolly left by Maintenance, and we headed
To the stairs.
“I am scared, Robert,” she seemed to say, and “Just go – save yourself!”
But it would work, I would slide her down, step by step –
But then –
The building lurched –
Her cord raced through my fingers –
And she was gone.
Why should I be spared, Overlords of
Titanium and Steel?
I care not for life – take it, leave it.
You have destroyed my Love.
You can do me no greater harm.
VIEW ALL BY · Friday August 07, 2009 04:15pm EDT
VIEW ALL BY · Friday August 07, 2009 04:53pm EDT
VIEW ALL BY · Monday August 10, 2009 05:56pm EDT · amended on Tuesday August 11, 2009 07:46am EDT
A Message to Our Robot Overlords
The captioning is a little hard to read, but as I post this, the video is still processing. If its still illegible later tonight, I'll redo the captions and repost it.
[edit] Better Quality Video uploaded.
[caveat] No, it isn't a rickroll
VIEW ALL BY · Monday August 10, 2009 06:35pm EDT
Monday August 10, 2009 06:40pm EDT
One servant to a well-off robot.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
One bodybag.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Two bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Three bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Four bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Five bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
Must NOT have severe allergies to oil, grease or dust.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Six bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
Must NOT have severe allergies to oil, grease or dust.
Must NOT have robot fetishes.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
One cannibal.
Preferable able to be a servant to a well-off robot.
******
Hope you like it...
Monday August 10, 2009 10:34pm EDT
One servant to a well-off robot.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
One bodybag.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Two bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Three bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Four bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Five bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
Must NOT have severe allergies to oil, grease or dust.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
Six bodybags.
One GOOD servant to a well-off robot.
Must NOT have residual hate towards robots.
Must NOT own a pacemaker or any similar devices.
Must be able to work hard labor for eight hours without heat exhaustion.
Must NOT have severe allergies to oil, grease or dust.
Must NOT have robot fetishes.
The next day comes.
WANTED:
One cannibal.
Preferable able to be a servant to a well-off robot.
******
Hope you like it...
VIEW ALL BY · Tuesday August 11, 2009 07:46am EDT
Tuesday August 11, 2009 10:38pm EDT
VIEW ALL BY · Tuesday August 11, 2009 11:59pm EDT
Please accept this small token, in hopes that you'll spare me, and perhaps, make a pet out of me (or something). It's a Robo-Gift Basket! Complete with CLR if you're having that no-so-fresh feeling, reading material (basically a history of your ancestors on Earth), a Dremmel tool (because with all of it's attachments, you can do almost anything with it), and booze, WD-40, and a Soldering iron for all other "extra-curricular" activities (wink, wink). Enjoy!
Clicky!!!
VIEW ALL BY · Wednesday August 12, 2009 07:52pm EDT
Thursday August 13, 2009 10:22am EDT
As such, I give you...
"Haiku Master Makes Dumb Robot Smart"
Bad Robot Bad,
No Kill Poor Human Artist,
I Make Life Pretty
Bad Robot Bad,
No Kill Poor Human Artist,
Ones and Zeroes Bore
Oh Haiku Robot,
Left-Brained, no Right-Brained Robot,
Art Is Beyond You
Oh Haiku Robot,
You Need The Haiku Master
Or Else You Be Dumb!
VIEW ALL BY · Thursday August 13, 2009 06:56pm EDT